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Paleontolgy Calender(Funny-LONG)



russell seitz _ mnestheus wrote this and posted it on Sci.geology

it's very funny-Betty
(Flyinggoat@aol.com)
(bcunning@nssi.com)
_________________________________________________
 The 6000th  Anniversary of the Creation of the Earth (4004 B.C.-1996 A.D.)
is about to be celebrated by Congregations that cherish the memory of the
good and great Archbihop Ussher. This seems bound to spill over into their
Congressional Districts, with obvious ramifications for the funding of
Geophysical research. So it may be prudent to amend Geochronology to fit a
Biblically Correct 6000 -year format, at least  for
the fiscal year to come:

25 Oct.4004 B.C. : Encounter with Nemesis  knocks Lucifer out of Oort Cloud.

1 Nov.4004 B.C. : Earth still largely molten; Adam and Eve invent Asbestos
waders.

3714 B. C. : The first biotechnologist, Cain, invents cyanobacteria.

3554  B.C. : Komataiites  inundate earliest crust, Noah's Ark incinerated.

2724 B.C.  :Archaean stratiform  sulfide deposits form,ending the
neolithic.Bronze introduced.

2444 B.C. :Tired of reading graphic granite,Inkhaten invents heiroglyphs

2184 B.C.  : Earliest sedimentation;discovery of slate leads to  stone
tablets.

2094 B.C. : Nimrod the Hunter erects the Geosyncline of Babel.

2004 B. C.  : Breathable atmosphere develops;first sermon preached.

1914 B. C. : Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.

1804 B.C. :Tubal Cain inaugurates banded Iron Age .Sphinx starts to
fossilize.

1794 B.C. : Children of Ham  split from Israelites ,insisting that the
Burgess shale fauna are kosher.Chowder invented.

1704 B.C. :Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertibrate, lawyers emerge
from slime.

1624B.C.: Samson attempts Perovskite synthesis:Laboratory of the Philistines
implodes. 

1444 B.C. : War of the Chaldean Succession, Pangaea broken up in
accordance with the Treaty of Uruk.

1334 B.C. : Shang Empire abandons efforts to invent compass when China drifts
over south magnetic pole.

1264 B.C. : Moses invents hydrofracturing,opening of Red Sea rift drowns
Egyptian army.

1194 B.C. : Odysseus runs aground on Gondwandan riviera; Circe  founds Club
Teth.

1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de Pterodactyl,'way up in de middle of the air.

1024 B. C.: Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus; David takes credit.

794 B.C. : Jonah swallowed by Carcharas Megalodon.

454 B. C. : Marble deposits form  in  Greece ,Parthenon erected.

338 B, C.: Aristotle publishes Air-Earth -Fire- Water phase
diagram,concludes that quartz is a polymorph of water.

64 B.C.  : Pliny the Elder writes eye-witness account of the Alpine orogeny.

48 B. C. :  All of Gaul is divided into three parts by the collision of
Corsica with the European plate.

A.D. 24  : Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.

A.D. 54 : Paul,formerly Saul the Tarser,undergoes identity crisis on the road
to Damascus and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.

A.D. 344 : Vanguard of Attila the Hun perishes when Romans breach Gibralter
escarpment,flooding the Mediteranean Desert.

A.D. 494 : Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.

A.D. 974 :Lief the Unlucky lost with all hands when his dragon ship is
mistaken for a female Kronosaurus.

A.D. 1066 : William the Conquerer invades England by walking through northern
France.

A.D. 1215; Magna Carta eaten by Velociraptor.

A.D. 1324 : Gunpowder introduced,Dinosaurs hunted to extinction.

A.D. 1384 : Dante Aligheri describes core-mantle boundary.

A,D. 1484: Leonardo Da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.

A.D. 1492 : Mesoamerica emerges just in time to block Columbus' discovery of
 Hawaii and Japan; the Santa Maria is attacked by Ammonites.

A.D. 1494 : Flowering plants appear; Wars of the Roses commence.

A,D. 1522 : Cortez uses asteroid impact to conquer Aztec Empire.

A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by continuing absence of English
Channel.

A.D. 1636 : Earliest primates appear, Harvard founded.

A.D. 1664 :An English primate is made Primate of Ireland -Archbishop Ussher
 deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.

A.D. 1684 : First simian graduate of Oxford, a gibbon ,submits 'Decline and
Fall of the Roman Empire' as D.Phil. thesis.

A.D.  1698: Spain invades England via London-Bruges canal;Inquisition burns
Newton at the stake for Alchemy.

A.D.  1776 :Washington's Mastedon cavalry routs Hessians at Battle of the
Hudson Canyon.

A.D. 1835 : Charles Darwin attacked by giant Rattite in Galapagos,returns
home a convinced Neptunist.

A.D. 1894 : Awed by extent of glaciation, Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown to
Cairo bobsled run.

A.D. 1914 : Younger Dryas  sea level rise unleashes U-boats into the
Atlantic,Holy Roman Empire wins World War One.

A. D. 1948: Paul Nitze proposes using ice to contain Stalin,Cold War begins,
ending First Interglacial.

A.D. 1954 : Glaciers retreat from Fulda gap, De Gaulle invades Russia.

A.D. 1957 : Civil Rights movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.

A.D. 1961: Rachel Carlson links DDT to Glyptodont s'decline. 

A.D. 1969: last sighting of Sabre-tooth in Central Park,Elizabeth Taylor
divorces Proconsul .

A.D. 1971: Warhol paints  Cambell Soup cans  on walls of Lascaux caverns.

A.D. 1983: Australopithicus  wins The America's Cup .

A.D. 1988: Jimmy Schweigart signs up Homo Habilis  as speechwriter.

A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals perish in seige of Kremlin.

A.D. 1991 : Saddam Hussein discovers fire, creating Holocene tar sands in
Kuwait.

A.D. 1996: Citing black smoker emissions, E.P.A bans continental drift.
Thermophilis  wins Nobel prize for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in
amber.


russell seitz _ mnestheus